It sneaks up on me when I expect it and when I least expect it to make the appearance. I feel guilty for a breakfast prepared too late, for an ill-ironed skirt or for a skirt ironed far too good, for speeding, for following the traffic rules to the “t”, for snow in Cambodia.
I started to dig deeper and dug out the uncomfortable truth that the feeling of guilt does not sneak up on me from nowhere… it resides in me. As in permanently. It is a must-have piece of clothing as, say, underwear that I put on first. So, let’s shower-brush teeth-underwear (i.e. the feeling of guilt) and then on to the rest to put on and live. I “wear” the feeling of guilt by default before anything else, and even feeling of joy has that bitter aftertaste of guilt.
You don’t feel guilty?! You wasted your day! How dare you walk the face of Earth and stomp on those holy guilty paths of ours? We have our society, families and other loyal to limiting thinking patterns people to thank for the feeling of guilt that has become a foundation laid in our childhood. How do you get rid of this dark feeling? You can’t. Until this feeling is in your foundation.
Imagine you are in a raft full of holes, where you incessantly bail out and then all of a sudden you realize “My goodness, this raft leaks and I need to get rid of it immediately!”. Then you jump into the ocean waters and in a short time you are forced to admit that you can’t survive without that raft no matter how bad and worn through it is, so you rush back to it and get onboard again. This raft is your set of thinking patterns and core beliefs that define your life and behavior, the water leaked onboard is the uncomfortable heavy feeling of guilt (or jealousy, or apathy etc). So you are back on your raft and you keep bailing out, only this time you are kind of aware that it is full of holes (i.e. you start seeing some of the limiting patterns that rule your life). You start to contemplate the idea of abandoning your raft yet again. However, your instinct of self-preservation will not lie. It tells you to stay where you are and not budge or you are bound to drown, haven’t you learned your lesson the time(s) you jumped into the ocean waters, it says. And that is the truth of it. You will drown. In the darkness of uncertainty and fear. But you can reach the shore, build a new solid raft and sail in a different, far more productive way without exhausting yourself with meaningless movements which take away so much of your energy that in the end, all you have left is helpless anger. And helpless anger is to be thanked, for it gives the much-needed force in the moments of complete and utter inner devastation and that is the way the body compensates and wants to live against all odds. Though… how many lifetimes do we have to waste on living AGAINST the odds?
Lifetimes when we sort of understand that a leaky raft represents our limiting beliefs with the help of which we navigate through the ocean of life and let all kinds of dark feelings leak onboard our body and mind time and again, as we tire ourselves out by scooping these heavy feelings out incessantly, ignoring the real cause of the damage. I am changing my leaky raft. I am changing the way I sail.
I am laying my own foundation which is now made of my true values, seized meaningful opportunities, fulfilled potential, self-care and love. I will remember this worn through raft all my life but I let this be just distant memories, as my mind, body and soul are becoming one with the new emerging foundation, caring and pro-life.
Meet Our Guest Writer: Janat Bukenova
My name is Janat Bukenova. I originally come from Kazakhstan and I have spent half of my life living abroad in Russia, USA, France, Switzerland, UK, Qatar and now Oman. My job experience ranges from working in hotels as a PR and Marketing manager to developing business for a construction company. My true passion, however, was and still is discovering people and their stories, helping them find their true way of being. I am a strong believer that every and each person holds within themselves all the answers and keys to their own life. Sometimes assistance is required in finding those answers. This is where I can step in and hold the sacred space for the changes and transformation to happen. By raising self-awareness one step at a time we discover our true stories. By attending to one seemingly small ache at a time we learn to navigate through life with grace and lightness, finally acknowledging that we are enough and worthy in every way. As a deep transformational coach I am here to help you discover your true wonderful self.
You can contact me via Janat_bukenova@yahoo.com